Welcome to your first day of decoding your teenager! I often say that during the teenage years aliens come to inhabit the brain & body of teens. Then, something will magically happen one day, in the distant future, and they'll be "normal" again. Until that day comes you must forge into the unknown. Never knowing what you will wake up too. The days are uncharted and at it's best, you will find a moment or two of sanity.
I think we all would agree that parent-child relationships are challenging so I am here to give you some tips.
#1 Be SELF-AWARE
This is very important as you navigate your relationships, not only with your kid but every relationship. Was your day stressful? Are you sad about something, worried, frustrated? Ask yourself why you are feeling the way you are. Identify what is causing you to feel out of balance. Choose how you will effectively and positively respond to the situation. This will lead you into tip two.
#2 Choose Your battles
Is what you're upset about really worth fighting about? Perhaps you just had a bad day at work and everything about everyone is frustrating to you. Being emotional charged causes us to snap at others. So again be self-aware of how you are feeling and responding to situations. Is fighting with your kid about leaving a dirty dish by the sink worth adding additional strain in that moment. WALKING AWAY is a good practice when we feel our emotions are elevated to the point that we are going to blow our tops. Walk away, take a break, calm your emotions, & then return to address the issue(s) or simple let it go for today.
#3 Good Communication
We all could do with lessons in this area, especially when emotions are running high. So a cool tool to use is the "I" statement. Using this tool helps you get your point across while making the listener feel less defensive. How do you feel when someone comes at you with "if you.., well if you didn't.., why do you always.., what is wrong with you?" Our immediate response is to get defensive, shut down and/or argue back. It leaves the listener feeling hopeless, devalued, & angry at the speaker. NOTHING productive comes from conversations like these. So the "I" statement goes like this...
"I feel __________ when ___________ because____________. What I need is______________.
Student: I feel worthless when I am yelled at about not putting the dishes in the sink because I've had a long stressful day at school myself. What I need is for you to understand that I am not always just being "lazy." I would like it if you asked me how my day and to not yell at me the minute you get home.
Parent: I feel very frustrated when I come home from work, only to find a mess because I feel as though you are not respecting or understanding of the fact that I don't want to come home to a mess after a long day at work. What I need is for you to have things cleaned up before I get home.
#4 ATTITUDE
This is a big one!! As parents we often feel as though we get major attitude from our kids. The reality is...we do, SOMETIMES. If we work on being self-ware to regulate our emotions before interacting with others. Then work to choose what battles to fight and what to just let go of. Then move to work on our communication skills all will be well right?
Wrong...because what we do (slam stuff, silent treatment, roll eyes..), our tone, and our internal attitude (saying all manner of things in our head) toward people and situations will either make relationships work great or be stuck in a revolving door where nothing changes.
So try it out! Start small. Rome wasn't build in a day.